Matryoshka69’s Weblog

  i spoke with stef today. mind if i call him by an informal moniker? if i don’t have the right to, please stop me. no? ok. for now i’ll just pretend we had a conversation the way we used to. not that i remember much the way we used to converse. isn’t it strange that as soon as we stop communicating with someone directly, as soon as we file them into a place that says “memories”, we begin to forget how they really were? i just remember the general, perfect feeling of being with him. i remember warmth and closeness. but no, i neither expected nor received that feeling from him. well, maybe in little accidental spurts. he’s definitely trying to keep me at bay. 

  i was really put to the test just now. i learned to feel so secure with myself lately. the whole time we were talking, though, i felt like i was trying to prove something. my newfound confidence? some newfound maturity? especially after he told me i am the same person i was. well, that would make anyone below the age of fifty try to prove him otherwise. it is very possible that i only feel like he successfully kept me at a distance and asserted himself as a completely seperate unit because i let him make that impression on me.

  if i think about this anymore, i’ll end up trying too hard. i’m acting like my old self around him, because that’s the only way i know how to interact with him. but there will be no purposeful pushing him away. he can dance around me the way he likes, because if both of us do it we’ll end up scratching each other up. we can’t both mark our territory again in the same space. we’re two seperate people, after all.

  i miss him. i hope he slides out of his shell again.