This almost went untitled. And who the hell cares.
I always want to post song lyrics instead of my own writing. Someone has already said anything I could have been thinking and feeling better than I could, and put it to music, too. Again with the self-deprecation. I’m not good at anything except feeling. I’m real good at feeling things- tiny subtle things in shades of gray and other difficult-to-place shades, and really grand things. But I can’t create anything with them. And what’s the use of being able to perceive great amounts of pleasure and pain if you can’t find a release?
Every emotion is wonderful ( but i could do without terror). Especially the combinations, like nostalgia. Nostalgia and loneliness are my favorites. I miss people even when they’re present, and it just makes me yearn to touch them even more. Not in a sexual way- just to make sure they’re still there. But it’s all useless. You can’t get anywhere or get any satisfaction out of life by being an expert feeler. You get places by turning it into art, or a passion for a subject that turns into new cutting edge research, or music, or philosophy or writing. I feel helpless.
This is a real problem for me. I’m not kidding or being wierd because it’s almost two a.m… I really don’t feel satisfied with anything, because I can’t do anything. Art is art because it is the physical result of the whole of someone’s state of mind at a certain point in time. I consume other people’s art, because if it is well-done enough it feels like my own. But I can’t produce it. Fuckin’ A! Someone get me out of my skin before I burst. Or deflate. Or stay the same and dry myself out with constant anxiety and disappointment in myself. I don’t know which is worse.
I hate feeling sorry for myself. Is this my fault? It must be, but how can I force creativity? I suppose I just need to keep trying… but when I try it sounds forced. If I don’t try it doesn’t make sense. Maybe I should accept it. But nothing good has ever come of people who have given up on themselves. Maybe I never really tried in the first place.
laursn said,
December 4, 2007 at 8:19 pm
i can relate to this… i have felt like every else already said it better. But i can’t remember right now ever feeling like it mattered that my feelings didn’t PRODUCE something. why should they have to? maybe they don’t want to. or maybe they will later. they are mine and of me, and yet they are not MINE. i don’t control them, and if they don’t wanna be channeled, they probably won’t be.
you know? is that bad? is it sad? or does it make me… i don’t know.
what’s wrong with JUST being good at feeling? at least for now? not everyone can feel so much, or wants to, or is willing to. it certainly makes you a more empathic person, it certainly attracts and draws you to others… what if you are good at helping other people feel that intensity? that’s something.
what if what you produce is intangible? what if your feelings purposes right now are to produce more feelings, in others? You do. You do produce that, at least in me… and I am the only person I can speak for.
I love the way(s) you think!