Matryoshka69’s Weblog

 We pretended to be reckless that night, wanting to feel emotions as enormous and sweeping as tides crashing over us and sweeping us along our way. So there we were, trodding along over the Williamsburg bridge with a bottle of Francis Ford Coppola Estate’s finest wine sloshing over our hands at the same rate that we managed to drink it. Our mouths were as red from the wine as they were from kissing. Actually, “kissing” doesn’t quite fit here- it makes me think of nervous teenagers trying to connect with each other through a mess of frustrated sexual desire clashing against learned constraint. We knew exactly what we were doing, and our lips glided over each other in an act of lovemaking much more intimate than sex. The whole night was a careful balance of fun, abandon and the most careful handling of each other’s emotions. My head was spinning so fast that I could almost keep up with the movement of the city lights downstairs, cars indistinguishable from boats and streetlights and people. The water was perfectly patterned with blacks, blues, and the reflection of a thousand more man-made lights burning just as bright as the stars can. The bridge seemed to shake with me. The only still thing was the soft white face in front of me. I’d never been more in love with life.

i haven’t written anything in a while. damn, it feels pretty good. at the moment i’m not even trying to battle my peanut butter addiction. it’s so salty and sweet, and it’s the most amazing thing in the world mixed with tangy berry jam. or better yet, with chocolate. reese’s cups are one of god’s many gifts to man, much like babies and air conditioning. what a fickle dude god is. there’s always a trade-off: you eat too many reese’s, you get fat. babies might turn into bad people. and air conditioning ruins the environment. it’s like saying “here, have this delicious buttery treat, but it might send you into anaphylactic shock. you choose “  it’s so hard to turn down the gooey, rich crunchy goodness. and we’re taught fear of punishment is stronger than the promise of reward. what bullshit. i can’t resist air conditioning on a hot day no matter what chemicals i’m breathing in.

 i’ve actually been eating yogurt this whole time, with some peanut butter mixed in. i’m nearing the bottom and i’m starting to get annoyed. i really don’t want it to end. cravings are supposed to be sated, but the more peanut butter i eat, the more i want it. i swear, my taste buds must be like mini-clotirises. i’m really enjoying myself right now. in a completely different way than i was yesterday, when i was walking across the williamsburg bridge with a bottle of wine. there’s something to be said for spending time alone.

 My alliances have changed. I know this because it happened so slowly, I didn’t feel any changes until they snowballed into an epiphany. My emotions belong to me now, and I am in control of them. I can give them to whoever I want and be confident that they will take care of the people I love and be taken care of by them. I don’t have to be scared of changes anymore, because I can always reign myself into a lockdown if I need to. It’s about time I learned how to do this. Growing up is not easy, and I can feel myself permanently change in new, little ways every day. Today I can see objectively what happened yesterday, and tomorrow today’s events will be clear. Living in the moment without being afraid is the most exciting fucking feeling in the whole world. As far as I know.

  Everything is new to me, and I’m even rediscovering the emotions I thought I felt before. That includes love, sex, touching, feeling, tasting, worrying, being scared, liking  myself for the first time. Everything is more colorful, on a newer lever. It makes me wonder how much of this is because I’m just growing up, and how much of this is caused by the people I surround myself with. Being with them breathes pure oxygen and joy into the most mundane things- it’s the difference between looking at something and really, really seeing it. Do you know what I mean?